All jokes has been sent to me. I do NOT claim any making of any of them. And if you have jokes you want to see in this pages your are more then welcome to send them to me. To the address eje.gustafsson@straylightdata.com
REDNECK COMPUTER LINGO
"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and
pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard
stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to
get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or
girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed
across the porch longways."
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
IF MICROSOFT MADE TV DINNERS
You must first remove the plastic cover, but understand that it means agreeing to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). They may, however, smell and look at your dinner. You must tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set
the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn/08.5min@50%heat
You then enter:
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners are subject to frequent crashes,
in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure.
Remove the dinner from the oven and
enter:
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which
are empty. Microsoft says these are for future menu items. However,
the tray is so large that it will only fit in the largest industrial
ovens, forcing many users to upgrade.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call
Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really do not want another
variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Users get excited about having veggies with their Microsoft dinners,
often telling their friends about it, as though this were something
new. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 1998. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.
The box for the TV dinners is so large that it will not fit in many
smaller freezers, and the shape prevents the storage of any other
brand of dinners. Microsoft dinners are often not compatible with
other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost.
Calling Microsoft Help will elicit the explanation that your freezer
probably should have been defrosted anyway.
An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft
engineer were riding in a car, when it suddenly stalled. The
three considered what could be wrong.
The EE suggested stripping down the electronics of the car.
The CE suggested flushing the fuel system.
The Microsoft engineer shook his head. "Why don't we close
all the windows," he suggested, "get out, get back in and open the
windows again - then maybe it will work."
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say
the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Unfair Dismissal". Actual dialogue of a
former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power cut."
"A power... A power cut? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer."
SECURITY ALERT VIRUS INTERCEPT
Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you
must immediately open the window and throw your computer out. I repeat,
do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of
these horrible viruses.
Here are some "terrifying" new viruses on the prowl....
Freudian Virus
Lorena Bobbit Virus
Tonya Harding Virus
Paul Revere Virus
Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Ollie North Virus
Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Ronald Reagan Virus
Jane Fonda Virus
Oprah Winfrey Virus
AT&T Virus
MCI Virus
Politically Correct Virus
Ross Perot Virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Government Economist Virus
Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Adam and Eve Virus
Congressional Virus #1
Congressional Virus #2
Airline Virus
PBS Virus
Jimmy Hoffa Virus
LAPD Virus
O.J. Virus
Microsoft's ad slogan for Windows 95 was
Here are alternative slogans for the bloated OS:
1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 gives you the whole house.
5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
7. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to
15. How do you want to crash today?
General Motors vs. Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all
be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car
to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install
the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or
"CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five
times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent
of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a
target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have
stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it
difficult to remember which language you're using. This guide is
offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
C:
You shoot yourself in the foot.
Assembly:
You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of
contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then
hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.
APL:
You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened.
C++:
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible
since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just
pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."
Ada:
If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United
States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front
of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
MODULA-2:
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Pascal:
same as Modula-2, except the bullets are the wrong type and won't
pass through the barrel. The gun explodes.
sh, csh, etc:
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours
reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and
switch to C.
Smalltalk:
You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system
that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation,
and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
FORTRAN:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of
bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing
ability.
ALGOL:
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic
in the emergency room.
COBOL:
Using a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN
to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.
BASIC:
Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until
entire lower body is waterlogged.
PL/I:
You consume all available system resources, inculding all the offline
bullets. The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size,
triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the
original one on your foot.
SNOBOL:
You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a
bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your
hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
LISP:
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
SCHEME:
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
English:
You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor,
incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for
assistance:
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Tech: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Cust: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to
replace it....
Cust: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system
startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me
the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to
explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted
he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Tech: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but
there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Cust: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the
CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it
goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer...
Cust: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Cust: MS-DOS 6.22...
Tech: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include
NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch.
Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Cust: I need a new power supply...
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you had
said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power
supply...
Tech: What did he tell you?
Cust: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
Windows '98 source code.
Last Updated Tuesday, 02-Feb-1999 14:30:50 CST
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes
very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files
Only attacks minor files
Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Attacks your hard drive's FAT
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
expands to 300MB
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the
AT&T virus.
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism."
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn
thing quits
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which
does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of your computer
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow
the user to accomplish anything
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
Your programs will never be found again
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases
them in "self-defense."
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your
files and vows to find the virus that did it.
Where do you want to go today?
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none of
the other appendages are aware of this happening.
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft © Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1994
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp",
O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}